This could be strange...

So I just am thinking about a lot of different things and want to get some of them off my chest. This could mean this could be a weird blog post and so if it is I'm sorry! hahaha.

I swear every time I turn around someone else I know is getting married or having a baby. It use to be exciting to me to watch my friends become husbands, wives, mothers, and fathers. Now it just feels like I'm being so far left in the dust of their lives that I hardly exist anymore. I feel like without a husband and without children my life has no meaning. And believe it or not its NOT because I'm LDS that I feel this way. Half the people I know who are getting married and having kids are not LDS. Its because of who I am that I am feeling this way.

Sure being single is fun. I can stay out late and party and go to concerts and be crazy. I can kiss whoever I want and flirt with whoever I want. I don't have to worry about money because I'm just paying for myself and I don't have to worry about saving for my children's college. But... that's such a shallow, empty life. I have enjoyed living my own life, doing what I want when I want. I'm not saying that I won't continue to enjoy my single woman life I'm just starting to feel a very big hole in my life. Its like it doesn't really matter what I do on a regular basis. There are people who care about me I know, people who love me yes, but there's no one that's really invested in what I do with my life. That use to mean freedom to me but its starting to feel different. I can't explain it and I don't fully understand it. Perhaps this is just my internal clock telling me that I've officially been in Lander too long.

Really the only way I know how to deal with this sense of loss that I feel is to keep an eternal perspective. I just have to force myself to focus on doing what the Lord wants me to do so that at the end of this life I can be happy no matter what does or doesn't happen for me during this life. Its just hard wanting something so much and having absolutely no control over getting it. I just wish I could be more like Shadrack, Meshack, and Abindago, saying faithfully that I will do what the Lord wants in the hope of getting married some day, BUT IF NOT I will still remain faithful.

What scares me is that there is this little part of me that says if I'm never getting married in the temple and never having children why should I bother to be worthy of those things? That's the voice of Satan and he needs to get out of my head.

Wish me luck and if your not too busy dealing with your own personal life issues say a little prayer for me eh? Love to all,

Erica

Wow

Wow... so I am readying the book that Jaycee Dugard wrote about her 18 years in captivity where she was the prisoner of a pedophile with whome she had two children. Sounds like a really chipper book right? Well its not, BUT a little over halfway through the book she nears the end of her captivity and her reunification with her mother is amazin (of course) but what I found really interesting was her diary that she put in the book that she had written while still in captivity. She was and still an amazingly positive person. She was living under the tyranny of the man who had sexually molested her and yet she says she is luckier than most. She actually writes that in her diary!!!! She sets personal goals for herself to improve in the ways that she can. She makes of a list of things that make her happy and things she has to be thankful. WHAT THE HECK?!?! She must be an angel because seriously no one is that good. It made me realize how very much I really do have to be thankful for. She had also written down a sort of bucket things of things she wanted to do in her life. Number one? See Mom... I can see my mom all the time and do I thank my Heavenly Father for that? Nope... And yet she does find things to be thankful for and to find joy in. It was a horrible read and made me sick for the first couple of days I read it because it took me awhile to get to the good stuff.... but seriously her story and her example has really made me rethink a lot of my selfish tendencies. If she can think of things to be thankful for, then I should certainly be able to!!!!!!! Just thought I would share and encourage everyone reading to realize how much they have to be thankful for.

Dating, Government, and Paint

Well I had two more unsuccessful dates this past weekend. I'm starting to get really fed up with the whole scene. So many people say they don't play "dating games" and that they are "real" and "easy going" but I can tell you that those people just don't have very much self awareness. I have decided if you are on a dating site you play dating games. If you are describing yourself online you probably aren't being very realistic about who it is you are. And most guys are more drama oriented and difficult than I am. They always say that when you stop looking for Mr. Right thats when he finds you. I sure hope thats not true because I'm stopping my search for a reason. I know this may sound like I'm giving up and being negative or whatever. Perhaps I am, but I have decided after the last oh 4 or 5 online dates I've gone to that the drama and the games just aren't worth the type of dates I'm going on. I have another two months on match.com and then I have 6 months free because I have yet to be matched up, lol. So I'll continue my profile for that long but I don't think I'm going to actively seek anyone at this point in my life. I have a lot going on with work and church and I just don't see myself in a relationship at the moment.

I have found myself slowly withdrawing into myself. I don't hardly talk to my friends anymore because none of them understand the stresses of my job. I don't like talking to my parents because they are too interested in whats going on at my job and I'm worried about confidentiality problems. I've been keeping my mouth shut about just about everything I do at work all day around my parents because 1) I don't really like talking specifics about my job when I'm not there and 2) I hate talking to people without the responsibility of my job about my job because they get this sympathetic persona for those I work with but what good does that do because I'm the one who then has to go to work the next day and deal with it. I honestly could care less if you feel sorry for the families I work with. If you really feel sorry then get off your butts and start serving your neighbors. Brother Bills' firework show this year talked about the government's welfare system and how it removes accountability from neighbor helping neighbor. I see it everyday. The government cannot and does not ever really help people. You want to see lives changed? Go out there and change them. Sorry about that little soap box.

Its been awhile since I've posted anything and so I have a lot on my mind I haven't been able to get out recently.

So on a happier note I am renovating my apartment. The kitchen upstairs has been used for storage and kitty litter for too long and I have taken it over. It has been painted and the carpet has been partially torn out. I hope to sometime get the flooring put in and a new kitchen table made. I also need to make cushions for the benches. Its really fun and relaxing to make my living space more liveable. I'm also redoing my bedroom. I've painted the walls, bought a new comforter, and reorganized the furniture. I'm still debating with my father about wether or not he will allow me to paint the trim. It is currently a very orangy wood. He doesn't want me to paint over the wood even though it is hideously ugly. :D lol. So if ever you are in my room with my father do me a solid and tell him the trim needs painting. lol.

A week from today I will be leaving for Bear Lake to spend three wonderful nights with my wonderful family. I could not be more excited and have been looking forward to this all summer. Then my July pay check will be the first I get with my new raise instituted in it and the fun will really begin.

"All happy families resemble one another, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."   Tolstoy

Erica

Couch Potatoe to 5K

Ok the actual name should be Couch to 5K but I think couch potatoe sounds awesomer. Lol. So my beautiful sister Lisa conned me into running a 5K with her. Actually she guilt triped me into convincing myself to do it. I've decided that weight loss goals don't work for me. Its hard to say ok I will lose ___ amount of weight by ____ because... well thats just hard! So what I've decided to do is to run a 5K in November. It gives me PLENTY of time to train so that when I slip up and don't train for a week (I say when and I mean when) I can still get back into it and run the 5K.

This is week one of training. I'm feeling pretty good about it. Week one and two consist of three 20 minute work outs. They begin with 5minutes of warm up and end with 5 minutes of cooldown. The middle part is a sequence of running for 60seconds and walking for 90seconds.

I run at the gym because its a ton easier to keep track of time on a tredmill. Also the later weeks have you go a certain distance and there's no way I'm going to take the time to mark out distances around my neighborhood. I will admit I feel kind of silling turning the tredmill faster and slower in such quick sequence but I feel silly at the gym anyway.

So just thought I would update everyone on my new training/healthy life style goals. Hopefully this is the beginning to a long running career for me. I'd like to eventually run a marathon and a triathlon. Eventually being the key word.

Also for those of you that don't know, I bought a new car. Pictures will be coming at some point. It is currently snowing here (yes its May 19th) and my car covered in snow isn't that exciting.

Have a great day everyone! Find a reason to smile today and share it with me. I've momentarily forgotten all mine.

Feel Good Movie

So for awhile my feel good, watch when I'm sick movies has been Mary Poppins. But I've recently decided its Fried Green Tomatoes. So as my head throbes with an ache I'm going to watch it.

My feel good watch when I'm happy movies has always been and probably will always be The Holiday.

What are you guys' fav movies/feel good movies?

A Moment of Bliss

I know it seems weird but I had a moment of bliss in court today. I have been through heck and high waters with this one particular family. Today I saw a glimmer of the hope that resides within them. I saw the joy of a child with his mother and the wonder of a system that works to protect not just him but his family. A child can be safe but without their mother or father they are incomplete.

Indie Music

It rocks! lol. Let me give you a list of my favorite Indie Rock songs that turn my tears to peaceful smiles, lol.

Hide and Seek by Love Is A Story

Candy From a Car 2 by Rabbit!

Have You Forgotten by Red House Painters *WARNING it says a bad word in the first 45 seconds but its the only one in the whole song I promise!

Little Demons by Julian Velard

Hope you all enjoy, I know I sure do!!!!!!