Wow

Wow... so I am readying the book that Jaycee Dugard wrote about her 18 years in captivity where she was the prisoner of a pedophile with whome she had two children. Sounds like a really chipper book right? Well its not, BUT a little over halfway through the book she nears the end of her captivity and her reunification with her mother is amazin (of course) but what I found really interesting was her diary that she put in the book that she had written while still in captivity. She was and still an amazingly positive person. She was living under the tyranny of the man who had sexually molested her and yet she says she is luckier than most. She actually writes that in her diary!!!! She sets personal goals for herself to improve in the ways that she can. She makes of a list of things that make her happy and things she has to be thankful. WHAT THE HECK?!?! She must be an angel because seriously no one is that good. It made me realize how very much I really do have to be thankful for. She had also written down a sort of bucket things of things she wanted to do in her life. Number one? See Mom... I can see my mom all the time and do I thank my Heavenly Father for that? Nope... And yet she does find things to be thankful for and to find joy in. It was a horrible read and made me sick for the first couple of days I read it because it took me awhile to get to the good stuff.... but seriously her story and her example has really made me rethink a lot of my selfish tendencies. If she can think of things to be thankful for, then I should certainly be able to!!!!!!! Just thought I would share and encourage everyone reading to realize how much they have to be thankful for.

Dating, Government, and Paint

Well I had two more unsuccessful dates this past weekend. I'm starting to get really fed up with the whole scene. So many people say they don't play "dating games" and that they are "real" and "easy going" but I can tell you that those people just don't have very much self awareness. I have decided if you are on a dating site you play dating games. If you are describing yourself online you probably aren't being very realistic about who it is you are. And most guys are more drama oriented and difficult than I am. They always say that when you stop looking for Mr. Right thats when he finds you. I sure hope thats not true because I'm stopping my search for a reason. I know this may sound like I'm giving up and being negative or whatever. Perhaps I am, but I have decided after the last oh 4 or 5 online dates I've gone to that the drama and the games just aren't worth the type of dates I'm going on. I have another two months on match.com and then I have 6 months free because I have yet to be matched up, lol. So I'll continue my profile for that long but I don't think I'm going to actively seek anyone at this point in my life. I have a lot going on with work and church and I just don't see myself in a relationship at the moment.

I have found myself slowly withdrawing into myself. I don't hardly talk to my friends anymore because none of them understand the stresses of my job. I don't like talking to my parents because they are too interested in whats going on at my job and I'm worried about confidentiality problems. I've been keeping my mouth shut about just about everything I do at work all day around my parents because 1) I don't really like talking specifics about my job when I'm not there and 2) I hate talking to people without the responsibility of my job about my job because they get this sympathetic persona for those I work with but what good does that do because I'm the one who then has to go to work the next day and deal with it. I honestly could care less if you feel sorry for the families I work with. If you really feel sorry then get off your butts and start serving your neighbors. Brother Bills' firework show this year talked about the government's welfare system and how it removes accountability from neighbor helping neighbor. I see it everyday. The government cannot and does not ever really help people. You want to see lives changed? Go out there and change them. Sorry about that little soap box.

Its been awhile since I've posted anything and so I have a lot on my mind I haven't been able to get out recently.

So on a happier note I am renovating my apartment. The kitchen upstairs has been used for storage and kitty litter for too long and I have taken it over. It has been painted and the carpet has been partially torn out. I hope to sometime get the flooring put in and a new kitchen table made. I also need to make cushions for the benches. Its really fun and relaxing to make my living space more liveable. I'm also redoing my bedroom. I've painted the walls, bought a new comforter, and reorganized the furniture. I'm still debating with my father about wether or not he will allow me to paint the trim. It is currently a very orangy wood. He doesn't want me to paint over the wood even though it is hideously ugly. :D lol. So if ever you are in my room with my father do me a solid and tell him the trim needs painting. lol.

A week from today I will be leaving for Bear Lake to spend three wonderful nights with my wonderful family. I could not be more excited and have been looking forward to this all summer. Then my July pay check will be the first I get with my new raise instituted in it and the fun will really begin.

"All happy families resemble one another, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."   Tolstoy

Erica

Couch Potatoe to 5K

Ok the actual name should be Couch to 5K but I think couch potatoe sounds awesomer. Lol. So my beautiful sister Lisa conned me into running a 5K with her. Actually she guilt triped me into convincing myself to do it. I've decided that weight loss goals don't work for me. Its hard to say ok I will lose ___ amount of weight by ____ because... well thats just hard! So what I've decided to do is to run a 5K in November. It gives me PLENTY of time to train so that when I slip up and don't train for a week (I say when and I mean when) I can still get back into it and run the 5K.

This is week one of training. I'm feeling pretty good about it. Week one and two consist of three 20 minute work outs. They begin with 5minutes of warm up and end with 5 minutes of cooldown. The middle part is a sequence of running for 60seconds and walking for 90seconds.

I run at the gym because its a ton easier to keep track of time on a tredmill. Also the later weeks have you go a certain distance and there's no way I'm going to take the time to mark out distances around my neighborhood. I will admit I feel kind of silling turning the tredmill faster and slower in such quick sequence but I feel silly at the gym anyway.

So just thought I would update everyone on my new training/healthy life style goals. Hopefully this is the beginning to a long running career for me. I'd like to eventually run a marathon and a triathlon. Eventually being the key word.

Also for those of you that don't know, I bought a new car. Pictures will be coming at some point. It is currently snowing here (yes its May 19th) and my car covered in snow isn't that exciting.

Have a great day everyone! Find a reason to smile today and share it with me. I've momentarily forgotten all mine.

Feel Good Movie

So for awhile my feel good, watch when I'm sick movies has been Mary Poppins. But I've recently decided its Fried Green Tomatoes. So as my head throbes with an ache I'm going to watch it.

My feel good watch when I'm happy movies has always been and probably will always be The Holiday.

What are you guys' fav movies/feel good movies?

A Moment of Bliss

I know it seems weird but I had a moment of bliss in court today. I have been through heck and high waters with this one particular family. Today I saw a glimmer of the hope that resides within them. I saw the joy of a child with his mother and the wonder of a system that works to protect not just him but his family. A child can be safe but without their mother or father they are incomplete.

Indie Music

It rocks! lol. Let me give you a list of my favorite Indie Rock songs that turn my tears to peaceful smiles, lol.

Hide and Seek by Love Is A Story

Candy From a Car 2 by Rabbit!

Have You Forgotten by Red House Painters *WARNING it says a bad word in the first 45 seconds but its the only one in the whole song I promise!

Little Demons by Julian Velard

Hope you all enjoy, I know I sure do!!!!!!

Held Back Thoughts

So I actually wrote this blog about a week ago. I had saved it because I wasn't really sure if I was ready to post it just yet. I know it may seem silly but what I talk about happening really did have a profound effect on my mood and my actions in the past week. So this is my held back thought:

"Wow… I’m not really sure what just happened, lol. See about a month
ago I was matched with this guy on a dating site. We communicated for
awhile and really hit it off. We had a great time talking and I was
surprised at how well we got along. So I went and met him for the
weekend and we had a great time. It was a little soon; we met after
talking for like two weeks. He was having a bit of a rough time in his
personal life and wanted me to go “help him through it”. Well
looking back I realize I wasn’t really prepared for the challenges he
was facing and I didn’t know him well enough to know what it was that
would help him. Over the weekend we decided to just be friends but I had
a hard time letting it go and pushed the issue farther than I should
have (even though it was my idea to just be friends in the first place).
He ended up asking for some space and we haven’t communicated in over
a month and a half. I’ve actually been matched with and met several
other guys since then. Well the website had started to kind of die out
for me and my subscription was about to end. I decided to not renew it
and join another dating site instead. So today I was looking through my
matches on the new website and who should appear? But this same guy. The
same smile I remembered, the same slightly graying hair. It brought back
all the memories from our conversations and the weekend we spent
together. I emailed him hoping to start being his friend again. It just
made me realize how much I really missed him and what I missed out on by
moving too fast. There is nothing I can do to go back and change the way
my relationship with him went. There’s not even anything I can do to
re-start my friendship with him. But I can continue improving myself so
that the next time a guy like him comes up I won’t miss my chance. He
has reminded me what it was I really want from the dating world and what
I want out of life. I had been lacking motivation lately to change and
suddenly I have it back.
One thing I really like about the new site is that they have a place to
mark body type preferences. One thing I’ve noticed about the way I
look at potential matches is that I immediately scroll to their body
type preference. If they haven’t marked an interest in larger women I
tend to automatically reject them. I really don’t want to have to do
that anymore. I have never wanted to fall into this trap but I really
feel like my weight is the one thing holding me back right now. Why
would I ever let one thing hold me back? I rarely give up on anything
once I decide I want it. So for the first time in my life I think I’ve
really decided I want to lose weight. That is one scary concept..."

Reading this my heart still pounds at the thought of the site of his picture. I'm not sure that means I'm in love with him or we are destined to be together. He might have another girlfriend by now who the heck knows. What it does say to me is that he is the type of person I want to be with. He is older, successful, calm, patient, and so full of goodness. He isn't perfect but he tries hard to be and he was amazingly good at inspiring me to be better without hurting my self esteem. He works hard at his relationships and is a good father (yes he has children). There were a lot of things that stood between us that prevented us or maybe me from having a relationship. Some of those things will simply go away with the passage of time and some of them I am working on getting rid of. Like I said I don't know if I will ever even see him again but the next time a man like that comes into my life I want to be prepared for it.

Sunday was one crazy day full of some really crazy emotions, lol. I was in sacramet meeting (which isn't that crazy) and the speaker was talking about temples. His talk really got to me. Its been so long since I've been to the temple and there is a powerful desire in me to get back to it. I miss the peace and the perspective I gain when I go in the temple. I have no way of knowing if I will ever have the opportunity to be married in the temple but that doesn't mean that I can't ever go there. I will make those covenants one day regardless of wether or not I get married and that is what I need to focus on. I think there is trend in LDS culture for girls to focus on preparing for a temple marriage, why not just prepare for the temple? So as I was listening to the speaker and thinking about my life and the past few weeks and months I was suddenly struck with the thought that it will happen for me. I know this sounds crazy but it was like I could feel the arm of my future husband around me confirming that he is out there somewhere waiting for me. Now its just up to me to become the type of woman that he is going to fall in love with. I have high standards for those I date and so I need to have as equally high standards for myself.

I will close with a simple declaration inspired by the words of a modern prophet.

"Today I will choose Faith."

A Wonderful Day

So about two and a half weeks ago I ordered some clothes from this AMAZING website. I seriously could spend my whole pay check plus some on a wardrobe from this website. When I was having a rough time at work I would go online and look at the clothes I ordered and just swoon over the day I could wear them. Well shipping said 7-10 days. So here I am two weeks later and still nothing. I had even emailed the website and so worried!! Well my clothes FINALLY came yesterday. And you guys, they are the cutest clothes EVER! The swimsuite I ordered is to die for! I want to go swimming just so I can wear it! I actually feel cute in this swim suite... ME! Thats saying something that is! The one dress is not what I had expected and I was kind of disapointed in it. But everything else is just perfect.

So that made my day wonderful. Then to top it off I went to the gym again. I did 12 minutes on the elyptical this time and then bookended with with two ten minute warm up sessions on the treadmill. I've decided I really like to sweat! My next project for the weekend is to come up with an awesome playlist to work out to. Some sweet and fun warm up music followed by some hard core make me move burn the fat music and then some peaceful way to go and be proud but lets sleep cool down music. Any suggestions? I want to go swimming tomorrow as my workout, its less stressfull on the joints and I REALLY want to wear my new swim suite. :D Maybe I'll plan a trip to the beach just so I can wear it... wow I like to spend money.

So between my new clothes and my work out yesterday was a pretty great day. OH! And I just bought season 6 of the office... so yea totally rockin!!! I will close this post with a quote from the wonderful Dwight Schrute,

"The letter R is menacing, thats why they call it murder, not muckduck."

First Workout

So I went to the gym last night for the first time! I walked on the treadmill for ten minutes then did the elyptical for ten minutes, then walked again for ten minutes. The elyptical really did a job on me! Wow that thing is tough. But I felt good after and I even made eyes at a cute boy lifting weights! I am going to go again tonight and maybe add the bike in the mix somewhere.

I've decided that I really need to stay busy. The last couple of days have been so hectic for me that I've only watched like 40 minutes of TV all week. Which is so odd for me and anyone who knows me will be surprised. But thats the way I like it. I have all these things I've always wanted to do and I just have never done them. Well, now is the time!

I had kind of been freaking out about my life recently because I felt like I was getting stuck in a rut. I would go to work everyday, come home, get on my computer, eat dinner, watch tv, go to bed. I felt stuck because of where I lived. I felt like I couldn't grow and become a different person if I was living in the same town I grew up in and seeing the same people I went to high school with. Well as shocking as this is, thats just not true!

I had the thought last night as I was driving to the gym that I was finally taking control of my life. Well I didn't really like that idea because I've always wanted Heavenly Father to have control of my life. But then I realized that both can be true! By making the choices Heavenly Father wants me to make I am giving myself freedom to make more choices. Whereas if I let myself do what Satan wants me to do then I am constricting myself and letting him have control over me. Heavenly Father cannot control my life (He gave us agency and cannot take that away)-but I can choose to do the things I know He wants me to do. I can live my life in a way that shows Him that I am trustworthy and will do the things He asks me to do. I want to prove to Him that if He gives me a responsibility I will take it seriously, that if He gives me a blessing I will share it, that if He gives me a talent I will use it.

All of this is of course an uphill battle and Satan will be fighting me the whole way. But I've got a lot of goodness and strength on my side and can do anything.

So here's my closing thought for tonight,

"Today is Tomorrow's Yesterday"

First Day!

Well folks, I did it! I joined a gym. Wow I never thought I'd be this person. A gym rat? Sheesh! But I'm spending $38 a month now and I don't like to waste my money so hopefully that will get me off my booty and get me working out. It was one of those moments when I suddenly decided that I was going to do it. I went straight from work, walked right in and signed up. I knew if I thought about it too much I'd talk myself out of it.

I also called the pool today and found out that they have morning swimming from 5:15 to 6:15... wow guys thats early! But I've been going to work at 7am every morning this week so I think maybe I can handle it!

On another note I went to dinner and a movie with a friend here in Lander tonight. He is an interesting character and I never know if I should feel motivated by him or offended by him. lol. I'll let you know if ever I decide what I think of this crazy new character in my life!

I'll end with a song lyric this lovely night

"Its like winter has ended and spring has sprung... gotta fall into love!" by Rabbit!

A Welcomed Introduction

Hello everyone. So I'm assuming if you are reading this you probably know who I am. But as a quick update for those of you I havn't spoken to in awhile I'll start off by introducing myself.

My name is Erica and I am 22 years old. I am working a high stress job and have been for about 5 months now. I live with my parents. I may be paying rent and have my own "apartment" but I do live with my parents. I'm single and am currently the member of several online dating sites. My income is high and my expenses are low so I've got a pretty good lifestyle going on financially right now. I have a very small circle of friends and my social life is basically non-existant.

I am overweight and have been basically my whole life. I gained a lot of weight in high school and my last year of college. I don't care so much about the way I look because I believe I can be beautiful at any size, but I do care about not being able to do all the things I want to. I am striving to be in better shape and not necessarily a size smaller.

I want this blog to be a place where I can discuss being overweight, single, and stressed. Maybe no one will read this but writing has been shown to be therapeutic. Which reminds me, I am currently in therapy for depression.

I would like to end each post with a quote or a thought or something along those lines. So since I'm beginning this journey I think I'll start off with this:

"By choosing the path you choose the destination"