Held Back Thoughts

So I actually wrote this blog about a week ago. I had saved it because I wasn't really sure if I was ready to post it just yet. I know it may seem silly but what I talk about happening really did have a profound effect on my mood and my actions in the past week. So this is my held back thought:

"Wow… I’m not really sure what just happened, lol. See about a month
ago I was matched with this guy on a dating site. We communicated for
awhile and really hit it off. We had a great time talking and I was
surprised at how well we got along. So I went and met him for the
weekend and we had a great time. It was a little soon; we met after
talking for like two weeks. He was having a bit of a rough time in his
personal life and wanted me to go “help him through it”. Well
looking back I realize I wasn’t really prepared for the challenges he
was facing and I didn’t know him well enough to know what it was that
would help him. Over the weekend we decided to just be friends but I had
a hard time letting it go and pushed the issue farther than I should
have (even though it was my idea to just be friends in the first place).
He ended up asking for some space and we haven’t communicated in over
a month and a half. I’ve actually been matched with and met several
other guys since then. Well the website had started to kind of die out
for me and my subscription was about to end. I decided to not renew it
and join another dating site instead. So today I was looking through my
matches on the new website and who should appear? But this same guy. The
same smile I remembered, the same slightly graying hair. It brought back
all the memories from our conversations and the weekend we spent
together. I emailed him hoping to start being his friend again. It just
made me realize how much I really missed him and what I missed out on by
moving too fast. There is nothing I can do to go back and change the way
my relationship with him went. There’s not even anything I can do to
re-start my friendship with him. But I can continue improving myself so
that the next time a guy like him comes up I won’t miss my chance. He
has reminded me what it was I really want from the dating world and what
I want out of life. I had been lacking motivation lately to change and
suddenly I have it back.
One thing I really like about the new site is that they have a place to
mark body type preferences. One thing I’ve noticed about the way I
look at potential matches is that I immediately scroll to their body
type preference. If they haven’t marked an interest in larger women I
tend to automatically reject them. I really don’t want to have to do
that anymore. I have never wanted to fall into this trap but I really
feel like my weight is the one thing holding me back right now. Why
would I ever let one thing hold me back? I rarely give up on anything
once I decide I want it. So for the first time in my life I think I’ve
really decided I want to lose weight. That is one scary concept..."

Reading this my heart still pounds at the thought of the site of his picture. I'm not sure that means I'm in love with him or we are destined to be together. He might have another girlfriend by now who the heck knows. What it does say to me is that he is the type of person I want to be with. He is older, successful, calm, patient, and so full of goodness. He isn't perfect but he tries hard to be and he was amazingly good at inspiring me to be better without hurting my self esteem. He works hard at his relationships and is a good father (yes he has children). There were a lot of things that stood between us that prevented us or maybe me from having a relationship. Some of those things will simply go away with the passage of time and some of them I am working on getting rid of. Like I said I don't know if I will ever even see him again but the next time a man like that comes into my life I want to be prepared for it.

Sunday was one crazy day full of some really crazy emotions, lol. I was in sacramet meeting (which isn't that crazy) and the speaker was talking about temples. His talk really got to me. Its been so long since I've been to the temple and there is a powerful desire in me to get back to it. I miss the peace and the perspective I gain when I go in the temple. I have no way of knowing if I will ever have the opportunity to be married in the temple but that doesn't mean that I can't ever go there. I will make those covenants one day regardless of wether or not I get married and that is what I need to focus on. I think there is trend in LDS culture for girls to focus on preparing for a temple marriage, why not just prepare for the temple? So as I was listening to the speaker and thinking about my life and the past few weeks and months I was suddenly struck with the thought that it will happen for me. I know this sounds crazy but it was like I could feel the arm of my future husband around me confirming that he is out there somewhere waiting for me. Now its just up to me to become the type of woman that he is going to fall in love with. I have high standards for those I date and so I need to have as equally high standards for myself.

I will close with a simple declaration inspired by the words of a modern prophet.

"Today I will choose Faith."