So I just am thinking about a lot of different things and want to get some of them off my chest. This could mean this could be a weird blog post and so if it is I'm sorry! hahaha.
I swear every time I turn around someone else I know is getting married or having a baby. It use to be exciting to me to watch my friends become husbands, wives, mothers, and fathers. Now it just feels like I'm being so far left in the dust of their lives that I hardly exist anymore. I feel like without a husband and without children my life has no meaning. And believe it or not its NOT because I'm LDS that I feel this way. Half the people I know who are getting married and having kids are not LDS. Its because of who I am that I am feeling this way.
Sure being single is fun. I can stay out late and party and go to concerts and be crazy. I can kiss whoever I want and flirt with whoever I want. I don't have to worry about money because I'm just paying for myself and I don't have to worry about saving for my children's college. But... that's such a shallow, empty life. I have enjoyed living my own life, doing what I want when I want. I'm not saying that I won't continue to enjoy my single woman life I'm just starting to feel a very big hole in my life. Its like it doesn't really matter what I do on a regular basis. There are people who care about me I know, people who love me yes, but there's no one that's really invested in what I do with my life. That use to mean freedom to me but its starting to feel different. I can't explain it and I don't fully understand it. Perhaps this is just my internal clock telling me that I've officially been in Lander too long.
Really the only way I know how to deal with this sense of loss that I feel is to keep an eternal perspective. I just have to force myself to focus on doing what the Lord wants me to do so that at the end of this life I can be happy no matter what does or doesn't happen for me during this life. Its just hard wanting something so much and having absolutely no control over getting it. I just wish I could be more like Shadrack, Meshack, and Abindago, saying faithfully that I will do what the Lord wants in the hope of getting married some day, BUT IF NOT I will still remain faithful.
What scares me is that there is this little part of me that says if I'm never getting married in the temple and never having children why should I bother to be worthy of those things? That's the voice of Satan and he needs to get out of my head.
Wish me luck and if your not too busy dealing with your own personal life issues say a little prayer for me eh? Love to all,
Erica
